Random rants, comments on life, words, people, and art

Posts tagged “Fashion

Crazy Stupid Love

crazy_stupid_love_ver4

So I saw Crazy Stupid Love with The Girl (look, I can do code names too!) (and, yes, all of you who are amazed–there is now a The Girl. She is made of awesome and laughter and I don’t deserve her–but don’t tell her that!).  It’s a good movie, but calling it a romantic comedy may be a bit much.  I laughed–quite a bit–but I also cringed. Because while they got a lot right, they also got a lot wrong.

The short-short version: nice guy’s wife gets bored, has affair, wants divorce. (I know, right? But come, if I can take it you can.) Nice guy move into shitbox apartment (The heavens are aligning here, aren’t they?) and tries to move on/survive/not kill self while wife discovers single life 1.) has consequences and 2.) involves shitty dating and 3.) oh look I still love my husband, I just don’t want his dick. (At this point, dear readers, Jason’s mind just shut down and he giggled a lot. A man can only take so much.)

Enter Ryan Gosling (obligatory shout to The Girl–yes, honey. I know you’re doing the it-can’t-be-real sigh when I say his name. It’s okay. I know all his moves). He is the obligatory player in the movie–the young, fit, rich, mumbling rake all single men (and especially freshly-emasculated divorced men) will trade a testicle-to-be-named later to become. After one too many evenings of listening to Steve Carrell’s nice guy (he put in an awesome performance, btw–so good I wanted to research and find out who the cunt who cuckolded him was, because he played it right) The Rake takes The Loser under his wing.

Begin obligatory “be better than the Gap” montage of sexy sexy clothes (OMG the clothes) and the shoes (seriously, I’m straight–ask The Girl) and the haircuts (meh) and the casual sex.  Which begins with best-reason-to-get-older-ever Marisa Tomei. Ohmigod.

What follows is the obvious; the schlub wins back his wife, the whore wife realizes she’s a whore and doesn’t like it, and the rake meets the girl of his dreams.  You’ve seen this movie.

The issue with the whole thing is tone; if we dissect it into three acts, Act I is “love is dead and stupid.” Act II is “love will give you the creeping death” and Act III is “Love is roses and ponies and little star-shaped candies on your pillow.”  All of those are fine ideas, on their own. But they don’t mix well.  There was something about the way the movie ended that didn’t sit right with me. I can’t put my finger on it, exactly, and that bothers me a little–I’m sure I”ll figure it out eventually.

But not today.


So, My Weekend…

dude

… has been busy.  Where to start.

Friday evening was filled firstly with an interlude at Kohls, where I wasted two hours before the movie trying on shirts and shoes and generally spending money I can’t afford on things I don’t need.  Go me. I rawk.  I also learned that, had I already lost the weight I wish to lose, I’d fit in size medium shirts of a certain brand in just that right way that shouts “Look, I have muscles but not really.”  Buttjangles. I must return the diet and exercise, else suffer the ravages of old age and sag. (and yes, there’s Shakespeare going in the background–Jessica Lange’s about to lose her firstborn son, natch.)

In the end, a shirt and shoes and sundry undergarmets were purchased, and there was great rejoicing. Well, there was rejoicing, anyway. I did a little dance in the car.  It was awesome.  (it probably wasn’t, but shut up.)

After that came Super 8, which turned out to be pretty much exactly what I expected: Goonies + ET + 20 years of little-kids-know-best movies under terrific direction, beautiful cinematography and foul-mouthed 14-year-olds.  I sat through the whole thing, emotionally enthralled by the bright lights and pretty explosions but intellectually disappointed at a told-again story.  It’s a good movie–maybe a great movie–but there’s nothing new there.  And the only real shocker I’d like to see now is JJ Abrams get a new monster-making company; they do good work, but they only have one look for “terrifying alien, from off-world, one each.”

And after that fine cinematic experience, there followed a quick ride through the shower-of-out-after-ten making and a trick to the Upstairs to get my drink on with the boys and girls from work–but the girl, of course, bailed.  So sad. If only she weren’t dying (she claims).  Jury’s still out…

Jason? At a bar? I know–what was I thinking, right? I was thinking I haven’t been out in ages, and I was curious to see what had become of the bar scene. Strangely, it was differently the same.  The dresses are shorter, the bras lift-ier, and the attitudes dumber.  So much more muscle present these days–twas quite interesting watching guys in torn jeans and shitty t-shirts hitting on girls in 90$ shoes and $200 underwear. There may have been dresses involved… I can’t remember.  I have confirmed that the bar scene is not my scene.  There’s nothing there but eye candy and condescension–they bring the eye candy and I the condescension. Still, it was fun… but I need a little shinier, a little quieter, and a little older-occupied bar to get my flirt on.  Though I do regret I didn’t get shot down more–if only for the practice.  I can confirm, for those watching from the cheap seats, that I remain popular amongst large women and gay men.

So sad.

And every day past Friday, from thence to now, has been filled with copyediting–which I’m sure is making me dumber.  It’s for certain making me fatter, gods damn it cross the nine hells.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to making the words prettier.  And listening to Titus Andronicus go stark raving vengeful mad….  hahahahaaha.


In which our hero looks in the mirror…

boomf… suppresses the urge to vomit.

Holy shit. Is that me!?  Holy soggy midsection, Batman! I’ve got to get this shit under control.

I’m holding pretty steady on weight but I’m getting soft… which means the muscle I built up last year is falling away into fat, which thanks to Mom and Dad (hi, Mom and Dad, and your genes!) I carry solidly around my midsection.  Which is damn hard to work off.

Also? I need to get in shape because I haven’t been shopping in ages!  I need the new shiny.  NEW SHINY!  I have new shiny sexy clothes withdrawal. I need to get all sexy-fied to get into my sexy-fied clothes.  Because I’m shallow and I like getting attention and it makes me feel extra snobbish (if you can believe such a thing) when I know I look hawt.

And yes. I know how gay that sounded.

Bite me.  I don’t care.


HA!

act gayIt’s not just me!  So phooey!


OMG

act gayI want coats. Is it cold yet? Can I haz moneyz?  plz?

I want this one.  For jeans, you know.   And this one, ’cause it’s just cool.  And would go with jeans.  Now if I can only resist going to Keystone and blowing large sums of cash…  because there’s a Johnston & Murphy there, too.

Yes. You may have my man card. I don’t care!


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